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DECKCHAIR SCIENCE | 2004-10-30

Someone might say that the worrying about Bush or Kerry is like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. When you say that, you are underestimating the detailed expertise of our paid political experts.

A political expert would not be rearranging chairs on the deck of the Titanic. He would discuss each chair in detail. A professional would not just let you go ahead and move the chairs around. He would perform detailed studies of each deck chair.

What exactly do YOU know about deck chairs? Do you really know what a deck chair looks like? Most people have never seen one, except when they were being sat on by someone on a television show.

There are people who devote their entire lives to the production of deck chairs. Yet here you are talking about moving them around as if you knew all about them.

Some people who make deck chairs have arthritis. They SUFFER to produce those deck chairs. How dare you talk about deck chairs when you have never SUFFERED?

The people who arrange deck chairs spend YEARS at sea. They know what they are doing.

How DARE you discuss rearranging deck chairs!

You may try to say that you weren't really talking about deck chairs. People who have SUFFERED making deck chairs, professional crewmen who have spent years conducting cruises will ask you, "Then why did you bring up deck chairs like you were some sort of expert?"

If you didn't mean to talk about deck chairs you should never have insulted the people who make them and the people who have spent their lives conducting cruises.

This might give you a pretty good idea of politics as I know it.

Don't worry about the Titanic.

Worry about the people who make the deck chairs. You might offend them.