THE ROBERT W. WHITAKER ARCHIVE

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OBSERVATIONS | 1999-02-06

I.

If all men were created equal, an awful lot must have happened since then.

II.

Americans are overweight and out of shape. We desperately need exercise. As an expert on everything, let me explain how we can instantly increase the number of Americans doing regular exercise

1) Spread the word that exercise is a cheap thrill.

2) Point out that this cheap thrill is sinful, illegal, and fattening.

3) Have reputable scientists announce that regular exercise is a major cause of cancer, AIDS, ringworm, and halitosis,

4) Put on regular public service advertisements about healthful physical activity that say: DON'T DO IT!

5) Increase the price of exercise by ten times, and have bootleggers selling exercise tickets at even higher prices.

6) Make people stand in mile-long lines and camp out overnight in order to get tickets to exercise.

I guarantee that attendance at gyms will quintuple in a matter of months.

III.

LIBERAL THEOLOGY

Loafers get more

And workers less.

I asked the Lord

And He said Yes.