THE ROBERT W. WHITAKER ARCHIVE

Being old and crotchety is no fun unless you get to crochet. But now I have to say something good about somebody. Oh, well. Let's get it over with.

Representative Lindsey Graham of South Carolina was on a Crossfire segment December 15, and he did the best job think I have ever seen a conservative do.

First, let us review what the routine Southerner or respectable conservative does on this sort of program. He crawls a lot. He tries desperately to deal respectfully with the frantic accusations of the leftist.

Once Arianna Huffington took a different tack and knocked the liberal for a loop. When one Clinton supporter was loudly restating the Clinton spin, she said he was "getting hysterical." The fellow stopped suddenly. Like all liberals, the LAST thing he expected was to be called down by a respectable conservative! For a liberal on a talk show, having a conservative say something like that is like getting bitten by a bunny rabbit. It's a completely unexpected shock.

Arianna really took the wind out of that lib's sails.

She never did it again.

Needless to say, no other respectable conservative ever did such a thing again either. A good Republican never repeats anything that worked the first time.

Until Lindsey Graham on Crossfire this week.

To start with, Graham very carefully made sure that, when the camera turned to him, he was drinking coffee. Usually when one is introduced, he sits there with a silly gin on his face, trying to look serious. Graham made it clear he would take all this only as seriously as it deserved.

Bill Press, the Crossfire liberal, is in a constant state of hysteria. But of course no respectable conservative would ever mention it. After all, being picked on is what a respectable conservative or a Southerner -- and God knows it is if you're both -- is there for.

But as Graham spoke, he waited for Press to draw his breath to interrupt, and he said, "Now, please let me finish." Press, of course, said he wasn't about to interrupt, so Graham said, "Well, I guess I misread your body language then."

Press treated Graham as he had never treated any conservative before. He actually let Graham talk.

Bill Press had found out that, if he tried to push him, this rabbit would BITE.

And Graham continued to make fun of Press. Liberals and Yankees cannot STAND that. Humor reflects a sense of proportion, and the one thing liberals and Yankees depend on is that respectable conservatives live and die by the words and moods of their liberal masters.

Someone with a sense of proportion puts THEM in proportion, and in reality, they are very, very small.

When dealing with self-important liberals, it is important to remember that

"Satan, proud spirit, cannot bear to be mocked."

So Graham's humor was devastating.

At the end of the segment, Lindsey described the crazy soap opera story Clinton had concocted about Monica Lewinsky being a stalker. He ended by saying, "When we get back from the break, I'll tell you how this comes out."

Poor Press. Fortunately, he had a nice obedient moderate Republican to deal with after the break.