ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GROVEL!! | 1999-11-13

Since I started discussing how respectable conservatives are professional grovelers, it is amazing how many people have begun coming up with examples. Once you become aware of this phenomenon, you begin to see examples of it every day.

Actually, the situation is even worse. It is not just conservatives crawling and apologizing to liberals. It is also conservatives doing the old tummy-up before their moderate masters in the Republican Party.

Many years ago, a friend of mine observed that "Every four years, conservatives go to the Republican Convention. Every four years they get kicked in the teeth and come up smiling."

In his very first speech as president in 1989, Bush Senior denounced Reagan. Bush Senior promised a "kinder, gentler America" than that evil old tyrant had produced.

At the very beginning of the Bush Administration in 1989, the Bush people fired all the Reagan appointees in every agency of government. I remember that in February of 1989, one Bush agency head bragged that he had been the first to clear out all the Reagan people. At the 1992 Convention, after Reagan and Buchanan spoke, one Bush leader said, "That's a relief. We've finished with the damned conservatives!"

Now Bush Junior has blasted conservatives. He denounced social conservatives and he denounced congressional conservatism. Only the truly retarded were surprised.

Of course Bush Junior denounced conservatives. That is what Republican moderates always do. The next day, he sort of backpedaled and explained his remarks. But even as he did so, one of his staffers explained why Bush was following his denunciation of conservatives with a little sweet talk. "After you hit a dog," said the Bush spokesman, "You pet it." Once again, this is what Republican moderates always do.

The dog has been whipped, and now the master has petted him. As far as the eye can see, conservative tails are wagging. Of course, they fussed a little. Conservatives always fuss a little when they get kicked in the teeth again. Nobody cares, and for good reason. They're already telling each other that it's not really that bad and Bush is OK.

Bush, Dole, Ford -- Republican moderates were all losers in the general elections. Moderates are losers, and they are an infinitesimal part of the Republican Party. But they always get the nomination, and conservatives always take their kicks and come up smiling.

So there is a kicking order, exactly like the pecking order among chickens. The liberals are at the top. Conservatives are at the bottom. Moderates are in the middle. The whole point of being a moderate is that you give liberals half of what they want. For a moderate, liberals are always the ones who set the agenda. Moderates then compromise with each new liberal proposal, giving them part of anything they demand. When liberals say jump, moderates reply, "Yes, master, but does it have to be so high?"

Moderates are the liberals' crawlers and obeyers. Conservatives are THEIR crawlers and obeyers.

What a despicable, pathetic crowd respectable conservatives are!